MARRIAGE: CONSUMERS OR COOPERATORS?

William Doherty, in Take Back Your Marriage, writes about “Resisting Consumer Marriage.” He goes a long way in defining that concept with his good, thorough discussion of it. He writes, “Consumer culture has always been based on individuals pursuing their personal desires. But in the late twentieth century, advertisers began to emphasize desire for desire’s sake…Consumer culture has always been one of self-gratification, but the entitlement dimension is more prominent now” (30-31). He later says that certain “jingles” or tunes, to borrow ad speak, play in our minds, things like “I am not getting my needs met!”, “I deserve better!”, “If only I were married to that one!”, “My marriage is not as good as you’re marriage!”, “My spouse is a flawed person!”, or “I’m the good guy here!” (ibid., 44-46). He ends by urging, “The best way to keep the consumer culture from dominating your marriage is to see yourself as a citizen of your marriage…Being a citizen of a marriage means taking responsibility to make things better and not just be passive, to value the marriage itself and not just your own interest in it” and several other wise, valuable pieces of advice (47). Doherty seems to have identified a major threat to marriage in the modern world. He gives it a new and catchy name, but its true identity is “selfishness.”

Marriage with selfish participants is doomed. That seems harsh and pessimistic, but I have seen it too many times. Me-first marriages meltdown. Interestingly, Peter encourages a different model upon which to build a marriage. In 1 Peter 3:1-7, he addresses husbands and wives. It is a passage that speaks to unity and security. Focus particularly on the central phrase, “Being heirs together of the grace of life.” In marriage, you have a singular identity because you are “fellow-heirs.” You have a singular goal since you are fellow-heirs “of the grace of life.” You have a singular approach as you are heirs “together”–not mine, not yours, but ours and us! This model, the biblical model, calls for husband and wife to be cooperators. We are teammates, pulling the same direction and encouraging each other. That will never be done in a sin-free, perfect environment because each participant cannot qualify for that (cf. Rom. 3:23). At the beginning, God saw marriage as the lifelong opportunity of each to suitable help for the other (Gen. 2:18). May we have the grace and wisdom to do the same.

— Neal Pollard