A minister considers a move to a new congregation and says, “I know the congregation has problems but I really think that once I move there things will get better. It has great potential”
A young man interviews with a company in a major city. He says, “They offered me the job. I am very dissatisfied with the salary but it will all work itself out. After all, this company has potential.”
A single woman is dating a guy and is getting serious. She says, “He is a great guy. He doesn’t go to church. He is not exactly the spiritual leader I had hoped but it will all work out. He is going to change some things once we get married. He has great potential.”
I have had conversations with a variety of people in each one of these situations before they made the decision. Unfortunately, I have also had conversations with many of these people who were later frustrated with the decision they made.
“I can’t believe we moved here to work with this congregation. We can barely pay our bills. What a mistake! What was I thinking?”
“Yea, I took that job and within two weeks, I knew I had made a mistake. What was I thinking?”
“I finally married him. Time passed and he never really made the changes I had hoped. We had children. Yet, to this day, the children and I got to church each week by ourselves. I am the only one that provides any sense of spiritual leadership for our family. What was I thinking?”
You are not alone. Many of us have made decisions that we later regretted.
What happened?
- We rationalized and justified a decision that we wanted to make. We looked for friends or anyone who would in some way affirm the decision that we wanted to make in the first place.
- We got emotionally involved and we begin to bond emotionally with the object of our decision. I have seen ministers do this with congregations where they were interviewing. Before they even learned very much about the congregation, they decided that this was the place they wanted to move to. A person can do the same when interviewing with a company. Maybe this person has always wanted to work for such a company and so agreed to accept an offer, knowing it was too low.
A man can marry a woman rationalizing that everything is going to eventually fall into place. Right now, he rationalizes, she is the way she is but that will change. He is convinced that eventually she will change. Of course, if the couple is having a sexual relationship, the emotional bond is even more intense which can make it even easier to rationalize and not make the wisest decision.
Bottom line:
- Godly discernment is critical. Pray for the long term. If this situation remains just as it is (this church, this job, this young woman you are serious about), what does this say about your future? What will your future look like in five or ten years if nothing changes? Can you live with this?
- Beware when you are keeping critical information from those who love you most. You may be a minister who is considering moving to serve a new congregation. Yet as you talk about this offer to your closest friends, you are leaving out significant information. Could it be they might say something you don’t want to hear? Could this be a red flag?
- Don’t make a commitment to something knowing that you will only be content if this situation or this person changes. Commit to what you have right in front of you — not to perceived potential.
Jim Martin