HOW DOES A couple regain trust when an incident has seriously damaged it…?

The question is not as important for minor infractions, but it is essential when there has been a great loss of trust.

How do you regain trust?  It’s not easy.

• TRUST BUILDS OVER TIME.  Trust builds as a you gain confidence in someone being there for you.  While research shows that people vary in their general trust of others, deep trust only comes from seeing that your partner is there for you over time.  A wife, for example, can only regain her trust in her once unfaithful husband slowly.  The best thing that can happen is for a considerable amount of time to go by without a serious breach of trust.  That takes commitment and new ways of living together.  They can’t afford to let the same kind of distance build up again.  And if a husband has another affair, it will probably be impossible for his wife to trust him again.
• TRUST HAS THE GREATEST CHANCE OF BEING REBUILT WHEN EACH PARTNER TAKES APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITY.  The best thing a man can do to regain his wife’s trust is to take full responsibility for his actions.  If the wife sees her husband doing all he can to bring about serious change without her prodding and demanding, her trust will grow and she’ll gain confidence that things can get better — not perfect, but better.  It’s easier to trust when you can clearly see your partner’s dedication to you.
• A wife can also help to rebuild her husband’s trust.  For one thing, he’ll need to see that she doesn’t plan to hold the affair over his head forever.  Can she really forgive him?  If she reminds him about the affair,especially during arguments, he won’t be able to trust her statement that she wants them to draw closer and move ahead.
• IF YOU’VE LOST TRUST, RECOGNIZE THAT YOU CAN DO MORE TODAY TO FURTHER DAMAGE IT THAN TO REGAIN IT.  It takes a long time to regain trust but only a moment or two to crush it.  If the husband comes home tonight to be with his wife, still trying, she’ll gain a little more trust.  On the other hand, if he comes home two hours later without a good excuse, his wife’s trust will take a big step backward.  Mistakes are going to happen, but the commitment to change must remain clear.  The commitment says you have the time and motivation to rebuild trust.
• SURVEILLANCE DOESN’T INCREASE TRUST.  You can’t regain trust by following your partner around every moment of the day to make sure he or she doesn’t do anything wrong.  If won’t add to a wife’s trust to follow her husband wherever he goes or to call up his friends and ask what he’s been up to.

The exception to this is when you both agree that some checking up is okay.  The wife and husband could agree that for a time, he’ll call frequently or she’ll call him to touch base more often than usual.  But long term, the wife will have to come to trust her husband for both of them to relax in their relationship.  Let’s hope that her trust will not be misplaced.  To trust again is a risk. Your partner could let you down again and there’s no way to be sure that this won’t happen.  That’s why they call it trust.  As with forgiveness, it involves letting go.  Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, “Forgiveness and the Restoration of Intimacy,” Fighting for Your Marriage, 224-225

Mike Benson