“The heart knows its own bitterness,

And a stranger does not share its joy.”

(Proverbs 14:10)

One of my very best friends lost his son to Leukemia.  A few years later a common acquaintance lost his son to Leukemia.  I said to my friend, “well, at least you know how he feels.”  He surprised me when he said, “no, I don’t.  No one knows how another feels, even when their tragedies are similar.”

That statement was a revelation to me, for I had never considered it from that perspective.  I had learned early in ministry not to say “I know how you feel,” unless, I was taught, you have gone through the same experience.  Now I know better.  The truth is, never say, “I know how you feel.” Never.

This is exactly the point being made in this most unique Proverb.  The “heart” is a person’s innermost being.  It includes thoughts, feelings, emotions and attitudes.  God here reveals that a heart can know its own “bitterness” (actually the idea is “sadness, anguish”).  Yet anyone, everyone, outside of that person is incapable of knowing the depth of his sadness.  Equally, the proverb says the same is true regarding “joy.”  Others cannot truly know the level of another’s joy.  One might be able to discern that the person is happy, but that is the extent of it.

Interestingly, the word “stranger,” does not here mean someone who is unknown.  Rather, the “stranger” is everyone!  That is to say, when it comes to knowing what is going on in another’s heart, everyone is an outsider.  Since this is true, we should choose our words carefully.  We’ll do our best to sympathize and emphasize, but that is as far as it goes.  Don’t let it go beyond that!

There is one additional biblical truth, expressed in Ps. 44:21: “God knows the secrets of the heart.”  When someone is suffering, they can find comfort in knowing that God knows exactly what they feel.  This is why He is “the God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3).

Denny Petrillo