LIVING THE FAITH
Carla’s face reddens with anger and her eyes flash as her mother, Jennifer, tells her she cannot go to the movie until her room is clean. Carla screams, “You hate me!” She turns and storms into her room.
Carla’s words pierce like swords and warm tears sting Jennifer’s face. How could her own flesh and blood hate her, after all she has done for her?
Innumerable parents have heard these kinds of painful words from their family members. What are we missing in our family communication skills?
We look for anything that we can to help us develop better relationships. The deeper we go into the study of relationships, the more complex and nuanced the lessons.
Each of us has memories that store everything that happens in our relationships. We log the yellow colors of peace and love, as well as the reds of anger. Collectively, they constitute the dialogue of our familial bonds.
Each moment, whether good or bad, greets us when we face a new situation and conversation. We do not start over every day with a blank slate.
Jennifer does not like something her husband, Tom, says. She blurts out, “I thought you loved me!” Jennifer has just picked up Carla’s sword.
Jennifer needs to return to her log and remember all of Tom’s expressions of love. She needs to read the notations of flowers, gifts, hugs, kisses he has given her. With these in mind, should she not give him the benefit of the doubt?
We are not talking about occasions when adultery or abuse enters the relationship. We are talking about daily moments when we forget how our family members feel about us, separate from their momentary anger.
We should not have to start over every day. We have earned the benefit of the doubt.
Jennifer goes to Tom. He is hesitant thinking the storm still rages. “Honey, I’m sorry. I know you love me. I must have misunderstood. You deserve the benefit of the doubt. What did you really mean?”
Tom relaxes and they converse as lovers, rather than adversaries. Later, Carla moves slowly to her mother and says, “Mom, I know how you feel about me. I was just mad. I’m sorry.” Jennifer smiles and tearfully hugs her precious daughter.
“Carla, I realized today that we need to remember that we love each other and to give each other credit for that. We are always family”
“That makes sense, Momma. We don’t need to act like little children. Life is too short.”
Are we mature enough to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt?