MY HUSBAND AND I dated all through high school and we have boxes and boxes of notes we used to write back and forth…

I loved getting these notes, but it seemed that after we go married these stopped.  One of the things on my list is “I feel loved when you write me love notes.”  This helped him to start writing me love notes again.

Things he or she does every day.  There are things that we do for each other on a daily or weekly basis that become habit or duty.  Make sure you identify thoe things your spouse does on a regular basis that make you feel loved…  As you write your list, consider the issues of time and money.  You should be sure to include things on your list that take practically no time at all to give (e.g., “I feel loved when you wink at me from across the room,” “…tell me that you love me,” “…rub my back or feet,” “…bring me a cup of coffee”) all the way up to things that take lots of time (e.g., “I feel loved when you fix me a four-course meal,” “…spend your day off planting flowers with me,” “…take me away for a long weekend”).  Be sure to include things that cost nothing or very little (e.g., “I feel loved when you kiss me before you leave for work,” “…send me a card in the mail,” “…bring me a single rose”) all the way up to things that could be very expensive.  Remember, it’s a wish list and you won’t necessarily get everything on the list.

It is very important that you be as specific as possible on this list.  Remember the Christmas wish list?  It would not have worked to write down “I want a Barbie” on the list.  How likely would it have been that Mom would pick out exactly which Barbie I wanted?  I had to write, “I want the Barbie with the long red dress and her hair pulled up on top of her head.”  Now Mom could get just the right one.  The same applies to your list.  Give enough details and specifics that your spouse will be sure to get it right.  Don’t say, “I feel loved when you bring me flowers.”  You might get roses, daisies, wild flowers–dandelions.  Be sure to say exactly that you want.  If my list said “I feel loved when you bring me a candy bar from the grocery store,” and he comes home with an Almond Joy, he would definitely see my disappointed face.  However, if he brought me a Butterfinger, I would be his forever.  So don’t leave room for guess work.  Tell him or her exactly what you would like.

Once each of you have finished your list, exchange them.  Be sure to go over everything on the list to be sure you completely understand what each item entails.  Then begin doing at least one thing a week off the list for your spouse.  (Debbie L. Cherry, “Discovering the Treasure of Marriage,” 80-81).

–Mike Benson