It happens in every situation. Disagreements come to us in the workplace, friendships, family relationships, and in our church families.

Nothing is more painful than trying to restore a relationship that has become anywhere from strained to impossible. It may start as just being uncomfortable around someone, but then it escalates to being a platform for harsh, angry words.

This usually leads to others taking sides, and soon there is an increase in animosity. In church situations, it can split a church.

Such a situation existed in the early church. I’m fairly sure this is not the only incident, but it is one Paul draws to our attention through his letter to the church at Philippi.

Two women, Euodia and Syntyche, were called by name and entreated to “agree in the Lord” (Philippians 4:2 ESV). Paul even solicited the help of the entire church to do something about the problem their disagreement was causing.

We don’t know exactly what was done, but I would guess the church followed Paul’s instructions and got involved to correct the problem. The words of Jesus would have certainly been important to the church as they looked for a solution to this issue. This is what Jesus said:

 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-20).

The context indicates that this is talking about personal offences, something directed at you personally. Jesus gives four steps to taking care of the problem.

First he says, “Go.” You go to that person. Don’t wait for him or her to come to you. It’s hard to take the first step, but that is what the Lord commanded.

Second, tell your brother or sister what concerns you. Plainly lay out the offense so that there is no question as to what has offended you. Give this person a chance to make things right. Don’t avoid them, shun them, fail to speak to them, or talk about them to others. Talk to them first.

Third, if they are not receptive, take one or two witnesses with you. Once again, express your concerns and tell them in front of the witnesses what they have done wrong.

This plan was established under the Jewish Law. Witnesses were required to bring charges against an individual (Deuteronomy 19:15). It must have been effective since Jesus used it in His instructions.

Fourth, “tell it to the church.” When all else fails, the issue must be brought before the church. This shows that the matter must be serious enough to expose the problem to the entire congregation.

Lastly, if he or she will not listen to the decision of the church, they will be considered an outcast.

What if the brother or sister we have just talked to expresses sorrow for his or her actions? The story Jesus told starting in verse 20 would indicate that with repentance we should forgive.

But what if there is no repentance? Should we still forgive our brother or sister?  I have to admit; this is a hard question.

If you read the story, you find a man that owed his master a lot of money. The master forgave the entire debt, but that man went to one of his servants and demanded payment of a small debt. The servant could not pay, so he was thrown in jail.

The master in the story represents God. He forgives us so willingly because He wants us all to be saved. The second man represents us and the way we forgive our neighbors, friends, associates, and family. Remember that God will forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:12).

Understand that church discipline is commanded. Paul told the Galatians, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

James said, “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins” (James 5:19-20).

 I hope Euodia and Syntyche were able to settle their differences. I also hope if there is someone in your church family with whom you are having a disagreement you will begin the process of working it out.

I’m not a fan of all that Dr. Phil says, but one thing he says makes a lot of sense. He says, “Someone has to step up and be the hero.” Step up and be the hero. Make the first move. You just may gain a sister and save a soul or two (hers and yours) from destruction.

Sandra Oliver