A reader, by request, asked us to post an article for prospective “adoptive” parents and their possibly taking multiple children into their home where a child of their own is in the mix.  We pray the following gives some help and insight to those involved.
–Staff

“I was taken from my home at the age of 7.  During what may seem a short time for adults, seems a lifetime for a child.  During those few years I saw and heard things a child should never endure nor witness in their formative years.  After having been adopted more unfortunate things went on, and though not physical abuse, but emotional, they too are locked within me still.  I won’t go into detail, but suffice it to say, what happens to a child during those few years is carried with them throughout the rest of their lives.  It scars them internally, and because of this, prospective Christian parents or others wanting to adopt older children need to be fully aware of what adopting these children may potentially be like.  It is not a one size fits all in treatment.  Looking back at my earlier years a sound and trusted elder or preacher would been of great value to me.  I could have verbalized to them or been drawn out to express all which was locked within me.  I internalized much and became silent and withdrawn, never wanting to get too close to anyone for lack of trust in them.  Afraid, constantly afraid of being hurt again.

Children in foster homes already have set backs.  They come from broken homes where all manner of evil from drinking to drugs and other attendant evils have been played out in front of them.  Most likely they lacked food, clothing and other necessities of life.  Some, such as I, were made fun of by other children.  They have not had basic medical nor dental care.  They have been shuttled back and forth to grandparents, moved to multiple cities having never formed close friendships with anyone.  Relatives who didn’t care before now want to see them and in my case I never desired to see any relative again.  More importantly they lack love, attention, guidance and religious training.  I remember having nightmares after having been adopted  I dreamed often of my parents trying to kidnap me and take me away.

For a child in these abusive situations, the state usually takes over the care of the child. And sad as it is to say, people are paid money to care for the children which is understandable, for it takes money to raise children.  But even in the foster homes a child knows that is he only there for a little while and then taken away again when they either tire of them or become to old to care for them.  They know they are nothing more than a commodity, though they may never verbalize it.  Trust in others is lacking and has to be rebuilt, and it takes time, attention, acceptance, encouragement, prayer, guidance, and love on a consistent basis.  These children have walls built up around them.  From my experience I withdrew into myself and most thought I was sullen, but I wasn’t.  I was turning over and over in my heart trying desperately to sort my life out and get it under control. Wanting to stop moving from parents to grandparents and back and forth and finally moving from foster home to foster home, then into an adoptive home where more turmoil went on.

When a baby is already in the home and the parents want to adopt, this brings problems in itself.  When one or more siblings are adopted, it takes the parent’s full time attention to devote to them.  A baby by their very nature needs full time attention too, but older children who are adopted don’t understand that.  All they know is they long internally to be accepted, loved, and paid attention to and if a baby/infant is in the home, most likely the adopted children will be right back where they started.  We may not want to admit it, but  the baby gets the attention.

Teen, tweens and in betweens have many walls to conquer and for me trust was the hardest.  It is only now I have learned to trust some in my life.  These Christian friends are constant and supportive, something I never had in either home.  I believe if parents are dedicated to having adopted children and want the challenge and all that it entails, the first is to build trust within the child.  Once trust is established, the walls will begin to come down, and they flourish.  But it takes time and constant attention.  Consistency each day of these children’s lives.  This is how trust is built.  And though each situation is different, as a general rule,  I would not adopt unless I knew for certain I was up to caring for emotionally scarred children and the work it will take to help bring them to their full potential through consistency, discipline and true love for them.

One other point and a major point it is.  If one decides to adopt, you must adopt with the full knowledge you will keep these children.  Do not leave them with the idea, such as my adoptive parents, that they were ready for me to go to a state home.  I remember the time, the place and the words to this day.  I have never forgotten.  It added more distrust, deep hurt, and an uneasy feeling I would be moved again.  I remember withdrawing even more after the statement, becoming very quiet so I would not be in the way, nor disturbing them and giving them reason to send me away.

In the end.  Pray fervently and go into adoptive procedures with the full gravity of what you are taking on.  Children are our future and not an item we can return if we tire of it or decide we just don’t want the challenge any longer.  You are dealing with fragile hearts, so take it seriously.”