*This is part one in a series over defining submissiveness in marriage. Join us next week as we take a look at what a submissive husband looks like.

Several months ago, I opened up my email to find a desperate plea from a reader who was in need of some resources. She was in a hard situation in her marriage. Her husband had her heart in a submission hold, using her want to please God as a way to manipulate her life. She was suffering from a type of abuse that slyly hides its nasty face with half-hearted smiles, and fronts shown in loving family photos on social media. She was drowning in a deep dark hole of despair being told over and over and over again how worthless she was as a woman. She was disastrously being destroyed by an ill thought out notion that men have the power to place women in a submission hold in their marriage.

Brothers and sisters, let me explain to you what submission is, and what it isn’t. Submission is defined as allowing or accepting a superior force, or the will of another person. It is a choice made by the person offering submission. I choose to submit to the will of God. I choose to submit to the will of my husband. This is in no way forced upon my heart or my soul. It is a choice to surrender all I am, to the authority of another.

Submission is not meant to be forced upon a person. Take the submission hold for example. The submission hold is applied with the purpose of forcing an opponent to submit out of either extreme pain or fear of injury. The “stronger” and more “tactful” person can manipulate and contort their opponent until they are rendered helpless. The submission hold sees another person as an opponent, one to be conquered and defeated.

What does your marriage mimic? Is it one of submissiveness, or are you in/enforcing a submissive hold?

Wives, ask yourself these two very important questions:

“Do I willfully submit myself to the desires of my husband because of his desire to cherish me and do the will of God?” or “Do I submit to my husband out of fear of his words and actions if I do not do as I am told?”

Husbands, ask yourself these two very important questions:

“Do I admire my wife for trusting in me fully to make decisions based on my desire to do God’s will, and lead her to do the same?” or “Do I manipulate my wife and force upon her self gratifying terms?”

Whether you are the one with your neck in the noose of forceful submission, or the one clenching the rope tighter, the power struggle needs to stop. Your spouse is not an opponent, or someone to be defeated. Satan, in the beginning, distorted a beautiful union by allowing the darkness of pride into the picture. Notice how in Genesis 2:18, the picture of the perfect union takes its form.

“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

See how this perfect form is destroyed when Adam & Eve fall into the snare of temptation as described in Genesis 3:16, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Did you catch that? Before the fall, Eve was formed for the very purpose of being his helpmeet. This pattern of headship was there when they were created. Adam was to work and keep the garden, and Eve was to be his helper. When sin entered, the battle of wills surfaced. Man is now tempted to place women in a submission hold, and women now see men as inferior, unwilling to submit to the design God created. This created bitter wives and manipulative men.

Brothers and sisters, we are not opponents. We are created by God to display the wondrous story of Christ and his bride, the Church (Ephesians 5:25-27). Brothers, you are not called to force your will upon your spouse, or manipulate her heart. Submissiveness is not yours to take; it is hers to give. Sisters, God holds your heart in His hands. If you find yourself in a submission hold, cling to the Father to deliver you. If your marriage is suffering a submission hold, seek help. Both of you. The enemy disguises himself as your spouse. Don’t forget who the real opponent is. Don’t forget who put strife in your marriage by using pride and lust as his weapon of choice. The submission hold is silently crushing many good men and women in the body of Christ today. Don’t fall victim. Seek God’s design for your marriage.

– Ashley Hudson  – http://start2finish.org/overcoming-the-submission-hold/#sthash.cTYBEF1H.dpuf