We do not have leprosy. Most of us are not bitter. And most Christian widows are not the least bit interested in taking another woman’s husband away from her. In fact, as a whole we have had happy marriages and feel so blessed that we had a good husband who left us with many good memories of our work together for the Lord.
But we are still alive and most of us are very lonely. During the seventeen years I have been a widow, I find loneliness and being excluded because I don’t have a mate is the saddest part of my life.
Some widows may like being assigned to the “widows group,” but most of us don’t. The church is supposed to be a family and most of us don’t exclude our mothers, sisters, or brothers when they lose their spouse. But in the church we widows are often a “set apart” group
God bless the groups who still include the widow when her husband dies. I recall years ago, my uncle and aunt were in a group of about six or eight couples, and in his early 40s, one of the men died. This group graciously still included the widow in all their activities as long as she and they lived. Contrary to that, several widows have told me that, to their surprise, the couples they had been friends with immediately “dropped me like a hot potato,” as one said.
A couple who just recently placed membership with us, has invited a mixed group of singles and couples two different times into their home for game night. Two of the widows told me how much they enjoyed that, being in a group where they were not “set apart.”
One evening after the evening worship, I walked out of the building with two elders and their wives who are friends of mine. As we exited the building we were all still visiting and one of the men turned to the others and said: “Doris, do you and Fred (not their real names) want to get a snack with us?” They agreed and the four left together as I stood there and finally walked the other way to my car. They are still all close friends of mine! I know it was just thoughtlessness, but I was sad to go home alone. The above is just one incident and most widows can tell like stories.
Sundays are hard for those who have worked alongside their husbands in church work. It’s so hard to go home alone after morning worship. You dread the remainder of the day until church time that evening. And after evening worship, you face the same loneliness again. The church today has become so departmentalized that, it’s very hard to break the “widow’s barrier” that separates us from others.
The only other group in the church more ostracized than widows is divorced individuals. Not only are they without a mate but have so many burdens that makes their life so hard, sometimes almost unbearable. Their only consolation is knowing that God in His love does not exclude them. They also need to be remembered in their loneliness and included with couples.
In several churches where I have been a part, a few loving women periodically have luncheons for all the widows. In fact, I helped with that many years ago, and in the same era, I would include widows and other singles along with families when I had dinner parties. Widow’s luncheons are a very sweet gesture, but recently another widow expressed her feelings to me: “I know the ladies who give widow’s luncheons are being kind and thoughtful, but I’d like it better if they just invited me for dinner with their family sometime and it would be a lot less work for them.”
Widows also have a responsibility. They need to reach out, make themselves available by continuing to work in the church, still take part in activities, and invite people into their homes. I see some preacher’s, elder’s, and deacon’s wives who become pewwarmers when they lose their mates. It’s as if they think their service to God ends when their husbands die. Others I see become very negative and do lots of complaining. This may be the result of their being rejected.
When I have a dinner party, I always try to include a few singles with some couples. Sometimes I can’t get that combination as some of them may have other obligations, but that is my goal.
The widows that I know who actively served with their husbands do not think twice about ministering to a couple when there is a need. Whether that be an older couple or a younger one with children still at home. That is what we have been accustomed to in our role in the church as a wife. When we see a need we can fill, then we still do what we can to make everyone feel loved and welcome as part of the church family.
In James 1:27, we’re told; “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” So what does it mean to look after orphans and widows? Money, food or clothing? Sometimes, but that’s not what most older widows need.
We are Christians who do not wish to be looked upon with pity. We want to be considered a part, not set apart. As an example, one Sunday night a month, our congregation has small groups meeting in homes with one group meeting at the building. One or two couples or two singles are assigned for setup for the meal. I was placed with another single woman. We are not physically capable of setting up the tables, so we must ask some man to come early to assist us. It would be so simple if each of us singles was placed with a couple. The man could unfold and set up the tables and the single woman could help the wife with the tableware, getting ice in the cups, etc. Would that not be a better mix?
Whether we are a widow, divorcee or one who has never been married, we are one in the Spirit. Therefore, there is no place for labels other than Christian.
I love the church. It has always been my whole life. While I may sound negative, I don’t feel negative but hopeful. I hope that when others become aware of the needs of this group, “set apart” because of circumstances that have befallen us through no fault of our own, we will be included and all work together as one family and feel the unity of the Spirit for which we all long.
–Betty S. Bender