“That’s not okay.”

I was watching a reality television show where one of the young ladies was telling another how she always arranged her life around her boyfriend. The listening woman didn’t even let her finish her thought before saying, “That’s not okay. That is just so not okay. You shouldn’t ever change your life around for somebody else. You have to think about what you want.”

I will not deny that the women’s suffrage movement did much to help the status of women (voting, working, owning property, etc.); however, does freedom and equality mean that we can usurp our God-given directive to submit to our husbands? (Gen. 3:16; I Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:22-24; Col. 3:18; I Pet. 3:1) As women, we have to be careful to not get caught up in the “I am woman; hear me roar” fanaticism which takes equality to a secular extreme not found within Scripture.

Furthermore, should we ever change our lives around for someone else? Consider Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Jesus references this directive in Matthew 19:5 and Mark 10:7. The verbs tell us how we should arrange our lives with the person we decide to wed.

First, LEAVE. This indicates that if you choose to be “one flesh” with someone, you will be leaving your life as a dependent upon your father and mother. Unlike ancient times, we are able to lead lives as “independent women” (Matt. 19:10-11; I Cor. 7:26-28). So, we may have already left father and mother, but the principle remains the same. We choose to leave the old life behind. That means you have to CHANGE.

Second, CLEAVE. Cleave means to cling or adhere to. You are clinging to your husband. Yes, feminists: You are to cling to a man if you choose to marry. No, that does not mean he is a tyrannical dictator over you. God gives him directives, too! Those directives do not include giving you no say in your lives together. Love (Eph. 5:25) would preclude such treatment.

So, if you are leaving the old life behind and adhering to your chosen man, the apparent conclusion is that we should change our lives to work with our husbands. But wait, Genesis 2:24 says a MAN should leave and cleave to his wife. That means a man should change his life to work with his wife. Yes! If my husband had never changed his life for me, I would never have been able to attend college, let alone graduate with a 4.0 GPA. Also, my recent pregnancy was really tough! I wasn’t cooking, I was barely managing to keep the laundry up so everyone would have clean clothes, and he picked up so much of my slack. But you can bet when it was time to decide where we needed to go for his ministry, I followed his lead! (And, trust me, there are times I look at my husband and say, ‘I’m glad I’m not the man. Good luck with that decision!’) Yes, husbands are to love us, which means they will change their typical routines to help us in tough times and help us accomplish our own hopes and dreams. What makes us think we should do any less for them? Selfishness: (the following three passages are copied from the ESV)

Psalm 119:36 – “Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!”

Philippians 2:3 – “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

James 3:16 – “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”

Now, we come to the last part of her comment: You have to think about what you want. So, let’s think. If I always follow what I want in my life with no consideration for my man, and vice versa, we may wind up on different sides of the globe! This selfishness is where many marriages go wrong. Selfish people stay together only as long as their individual desires align. When they decide they want irreconcilably different things, they rip asunder their own selves (married couples are “one flesh”).

When should you rearrange your life for a man? When you have committed to him and want to be “one flesh” with him in the God-ordained institution of marriage. Don’t worry! If you’ve chosen a man who puts God first, he’ll rearrange his life for you, too. So, ask yourself: What do I want? To never make compromises for another human being my whole life? Or a healthy marriage? Selfishness on either part has no place in a healthy relationship. Try it God’s way, with love and submission. You may be surprised at the results!

Tricia Reno